In residential care, loco-parenting aligns closely with the fundamental principles of traditional parenting. Children and young people respond positively to elements such as respect, tone of voice, care, love, understanding, and the desire to be heard and listened to.
It's crucial to approach all communications with a conscious and intelligent perspective, ensuring effective and meaningful interactions between adults and children. This approach contributes significantly to the overall well-being and positive development of the young individuals in care.
Not surprisingly, our parenting style has a major impact on our children.
Dr. Shefali is a clinical psychologist, emphasises the unintentional parenting from a place of ego, driven by personal desires or unmet needs.
This approach can lead to controlling behaviours, but she advocates for conscious parenting, taking accountability, and fostering better relationships.
Parents often see children as possessions, attempting to control behaviour through punishment. Dr. Shefali urges self-awareness and avoiding harmful labels, preventing guilt and shame in children.
She identifies five ego reactions of parents:
Fighter parent (angry),
Fixer parent (rescuer),
Feigner parent (focused on appearance),
Freezer parent (shuts down), and
Fleer parent (emotionally absent).
As Dr. Shefali explains, each ego type has an underpinning emotion that drives our response.
For the fighter, it’s anger.
For the fixer, anxiety.
For the feigner, it's attention seeking.
For the freezer, avoidance.
For the fleer it’s abandonment.
When we know this, see this pattern, and deal with its origin in our own childhood, we can better see how it impacts our children. Understanding the root cause helps disrupt these patterns.
“A conscious parent is really one who understands their own issues and heals their own emotional baggage so that they do not put it on their children.” - Dr. Shefali Tsabury
The book "The Parenting Map" breaks down inner work into manageable steps. Dr. Shefali suggests identifying ego responses and addressing the underlying issues. Strategies vary for each ego type, focusing on disrupting cycles.
Understanding childhood impacts and breaking cycles may seem daunting, but starting small brings immediate benefits. Watch Dr. Shefali on TedEx present on conscious parenting.
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